Speechless

I have made some changes to this post and the background colors.  I have heard from some of my friends that the post was difficult to read because of the colors.  I had colored the background as opposed to the letters, making it a challenge to read.  So, I am republishing it.  Read it again and enjoy!
Peace Love JOY
Amy




I am speechless, just like Lady Gaga.  I have had so much change in the past year, I am spinning a bit.  I know, I know...I requested a quantum leap from the Universe!  Be careful what you ask for...but I am happy.  All my dreams are coming true.



I took this photograph and I call it "Quantum Leap".  It was simply my DVR paused.  Cool.  I took it with my camera phone.  : )

 I like this color now. 


Okay, I want to talk about Circuit training.  I am taking the class again tomorrow and I am very excited about it.  It was very simple, move fast and build up endurance and muscle.  Oh, I became very sick in the class last week.  Like, I am gagging and throwing up a bit in my mouth.  Yes, that kind of sick.  I couldn't bend over or crunch my stomach for a time.  I literally, no joke, was thinking, how can I puke here in the studio.  I mean, that will really look bad.  BUT, the teacher, Jina, was really great.  She took her time with me and helped me get through my puke moments.  I realized I really need this class each week to help me become a better yogi.  The ladies in that class were so sweet.  They were very motherly to me and took care of me.  I didn't really feel badly because of their kindness.  I look forward to class tomorrow.

Okay, changing colors is fun, right?   Let me know if this is crazy, but I am feeling colorful.  : )

Now, last Thursday, doing the yoga...had a MAJOR panic attack.  I was very close to running like a mad woman out of the studio.  I just could not breathe and I felt totally closed in and freaked out.  Dani, of course, noticed.  She came over and I chokingly said, "I can't believe it but I am having a panic attack."  Well, I said something like that.  She told me, "It's okay, I've got you." and she massaged my shoulders a bit before taking care of the class.  I felt so terribly.  I felt like an idiot.  The class was packed.  Our teacher training starts out with an All Levels Yoga class with Dani.  It's a very popular class because Dani is fabulous.  It is all levels, meaning there is some crazy poses going on.  I like to try and do every single pose.  Most of the time, I make up an adaption or Dani teaches an adaption.  I was struggling, bawling, yes BAWLING!  Luckily, I was in the back of class and was not disturbing many people.  It's funny, one of my classmates, Amanda, was beside me.  I told her, half laughing and crying, I am having a panic attack.  Amanda says, "I know, I can't breathe!"  She is funny and sweet.  The room was full of sweaty yogis and the air was not moving.  I am sure that contributed to my anxiety.  Yet, before I left for class that day, I knew I was on the verge of a panic attack.  Being an agoraphobic,majorly depressed, unpublished writer/artist who has very few vices left, it's really hard to get out into the public.  I should have taken a pill, but I didn't.  I convinced myself that I was going to yoga...peace and love peace and love WAIT!  Forgot I was crazy!!!!  ha  Anyway, I won't make that same mistake twice.  I will take the "pill" if I need to and not feel badly about it.  I need the help now, so use it. 

After class, I was exhausted.  I still felt a bit like a loser and was definitely embarrassed.  Oh, I forgot to mention, towards the end of class, as I was red-eyed and sweating in a seated position, Dani came behind me and rubbed my shoulders again and her little knees were massaging my lower back.  While she was there, I felt better...lighter. 

During our lecture time, Dani was teaching us about the Yamas and the Niyamas. The yamas are about our relationship to the world around us and the Niyamas are about the relationship to self, ourselves.  These are the tools for us to achieve balance in our lives.  That is what yoga is all about.  The Yamas:

Ahimsa: non-violence in every and any way
Satya: truthfulness ( but not to the point that you are hurtful to someone.  I feel that it means you are kind.)
Asteya: not stealing
Brahmacharya:  moderation/appropriateness
Aparigraha:  greediness/non-hoarding (working on it!)

The Niyamas are:
Sauca:  cleanliness (majorly important.  I bathe every day now and before and after yoga so my sweat is clean!  Also, I am applying this to my house, our car...well, Sarah's car...but I get to use it!)
Santosa: Contentedness
Tapah:  willingness, inner discipline.  (This is what I apply every damn day as I try to get out of the house.  I make it...sometimes I don't.  I will never stop.)
Svardhaya:  Self reflection, self study.  (Just plain old fashioned self love and interest in yourself.)
Isvara Prandrhana:  Devotion to or believing there is a higher source, the Divine, The Universe, God, Buddha, you.  : )

Don't take my word for it.  I am just learning all this and I may be wrong.  If any yogi out there has a comment, comment!  : ) 

Then Dani gave us a beautiful gift.  She taught us a meditation that will help others and yourself.  It's a quick meditation and it was beautiful.  All you do is sit comfortably with a straight spine.  Make sure you are well grounded.  Picture a person you know who is suffering.  See them, their face contorted in pain, sick or angry, crying or sad.  As you see them, begin to see a black cloud or mist forming, coming out of them and into you.  As this blackness enters you, imagine it being transformed into a BRIGHT light.  This bright light overtakes your vision, coming out of your eyes, finger tips, toes...everywhere.  Then see the person in front of you again.  See their face smiling, their aura is light and happy, they look younger, relaxed and peaceful.  ahhhhhhhhhhhhh  You can picture yourself too. 

The reason I have shared this meditation is because it is beautiful.  You can help others and fill yourself with love and light.  Also, I think Dani did that same meditation for me.  I didn't ask her, but when she was crouched down behind me toward the end of class, massaging my shoulders and lower back with her knees, I felt clean, full of love and light.  I felt her love and kindness powerfully.  Whether she did this meditation with me or not, it doesn't matter.  She gave me a gift.  For I was able to remember I was there, I was there and I was loved.  I am crying thinking about it again.  Because of this love, I have discovered something. 

I have discovered why I have been struggling so much.  When I started yoga, I was a mess, yes, but I was just a client.  I was coming to class, no pressure to perform well or meet any standard.  I was there just for me and I got better and better.  Then I let my fears take over again.  We did have some financial issues that prevented me from going back to class, but I did let depression and fear take over for a time.  In that time, Dani, who is a busy lady, kept in contact with me all the time.   I signed up for teacher training.  Yoga hasn't been easy.  It was not easy before and I still practiced at home, but this time, I have been really suffering.  I realized what it was when I was driving home from class last Thursday night.  Now that I am in "teacher training" I am thinking, "I have to be better now now now fast fast fast!  I have to be good, I am studying to teach.  OMG, I suck I suck I am a loser.  Dani will regret letting me in!  OMG  Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill"  Ok, that's a movie.  But that is how I have been feeling.  I still feel that, a little. 


At least now, I can say, hey dumbass, WTF, you can't learn all this in a day, ding dong! 

Today I went to therapeutic yoga with Linda.  I love Linda because she tells me like it is.  I had trouble today with my left foot again and the Warrior 2 pose was nearly impossible for me to do.  Warrior 2 is not a difficult pose.  Well, it is because all yoga is difficult, but easy because your body needs and wants it bad.  But when your foot is in crazy pain, it's hard to hold the pose.  I sat down on my mat.  Linda said, "We can talk after class why you are having trouble."  Linda is great at making you realize you are having a problem because of something else.  It isn't the class or the pose, it's you.  I sat down and was like  "what is your problem, Amy ding dong dork?"  I took a drink of water, popped an Advil and got right back up.  Guess what!  We were doing balancing pose, the Tree pose, a pose I do struggle with...and I did it perfectly!  Well, perfectly for me.  I can't put my heel up into my vagina like some people, but I was focused and still with my arms UP stretching for the Divine!  After class, I told Linda how I realized I was putting all this crazy pressure on myself.  Linda told me she noticed I would be gritting my teeth.  She quoted a famous yogi (forgot who!) and said, "One face, many poses."  You never should push yourself farther than you can go.  You meet yourself or the student where they are and go from there.  I want a serene face with a smile.




This picture was stolen from one of my FB friends.  Yeah, that's how I roll!  : )


As I continue on this path, I am marveling at how smarty pants I am !  I am learning so much about yoga, life and most importantly, myself.  I am a pretty cool chick!  I have it going on, Mister!

I appreciate all my followers and would appreciate more!  I want comments and discussion.  Just because I do! 

Thanks for reading.  I love you.  Peace Love JOY

Amy  (yogi) 
xo