Sam is a alcoholic. Sam thinks I am crazy and that he is not an alcoholic. Sam suffers from a mental illness and alcoholism. Yes, that is my unprofessional opinion. That's it. Talking to Sam in person or on the phone would tear me apart. He would be drunk and irritable and mean. When Sam was less drunk, for let's face it, the alcohol never has a chance to get out of his system, he is an intelligent and funny man! I love him like a brother. I really do. But it was killing me inside and out to speak with him when he was drunk. I am on this journey to wellness of mind, spirit and body and I just couldn't take it. So, I told Sam I would only speak with him on the phone during the day. Sam only drinks after 5pm. Sam was angry about that from the beginning. I can see why. I mean, who am I to say that to him? I am not a perfect angel and have tons of weight and depression and blahness to get over...but I felt like I couldn't help him and myself at the same time. I have to think about myself first.
Also, Sam doesn't take care of his 3 dogs like I would take care of my beloved pets. They are overweight, he never takes them to the vet nor bathes them. He will sometimes be so drunk at night he forgets them outside. Luckily, it hasn't happened when it has been too cold. One of Sam's dogs, Jessie, (again, not the sweet baby's name) and I have a special bond. Jessie would come and visit me in my dreams. I mean it. In real time, I would be in the middle of a dream and galloping toward me would be Jessie, in the moment and happy to see me. I would know I was in a dream and that Jessie was real. I would tell Jessie hello and hug/kiss him and tell him I will see him soon. Then Jessie would leave my dream, running happily home. Jessie has seizures and is now very ill. Though Jessie hasn't had a seizure in some time, when Sam called he said he thinks Jessie is dying. Sam told me that he told Jessie, "You have to heal yourself, Daddy can't help you." That made me furious! That is like telling someone you love who broke their leg, they have to heal themselves. Yes, I believe our minds and bodies are connected and we do have to have a positive attitude to heal ourselves. BUT I believe God, the Universe, Jesus, Buddha...created people. God created people who love to work in the medical field. Western and Eastern medicine together is a beautiful thing. But take your damn dog to the vet! When Sarah and I had Tempie, he had many illnesses. If he needed to go to the vet, he went. If we had to starve or skip paying some bills or beg our Mom for money, Tempie went to the vet. I just cannot understand a different way.
Anyway, this last call, as I was feeling my heart beat faster and my words stumbling out of my mouth nonsensically as I kept my feelings to myself, I realized that nothing has changed with Sam. Nothing. I can't do this again. I instantly felt myself creeping back to my old self who agreed with everything Sam said and did, most of the time, what he asked me to do. I hated that Amy. I can't do that again.
It was after talking with Sam and crying for a long time over Jessie, I realized I wasn't really that much different either. I wasn't giving yoga my all. Was I really studying as much as I should? Was I practicing yoga as much as I should? Was I creating a good environment in my home for writing and studying? I had to be honest with myself and say no. No, I wasn't studying my yoga, practicing my yoga nor creating a clean and clear environment to work and write. My art was suffering, my spirit was suffering and my beautiful body was suffering.
So, I prayed to God. I told God I was going to work harder in all areas of my life to achieve my goals and that I offer all that up for Sam and Jessie. I offer it up especially for Jessie, who has a heart as big as the expanding Universe. I love you Jessie. I love you Sam.
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| This doggie reminds me of Jessie. xo |
I signed up for the $65 a month membership to Pranayoga School. Now I can go to yoga every day and as many times a day as I can stand! Last Thursday I went to yoga @6:30 am and 5:30pm! I am cleaning my house, which is full of clothes, papers and books. I told my sister, Sarah, we are starting to look like hoarders! I remember how GREAT it felt last September to get rid of 3 cars and now have just the Jeep. We are doing the same thing in our house. It is an amazing feeling.
I am also learning more and more about an Ayurvedic lifestyle. I will be setting up an appointment with Dani, my mentor, to learn more about the diet and lifestyle. I also would like to see the only Ayurvedic doctor in our area, in Muncie, Indiana. I am trying to get over my agoraphobia by going out a little more. I am being more honest about myself to myself. I am allowing myself to feel sad if I am sad...but not allowing it to be who I am. I remind myself constantly that I am a light! I am happiness incarnate.
I can't swoop in and take Jessie away from Sam. Jessie adores Sam. Sam is Jessie's daddy! I just meditate, pulling the darkness out of Jessie and bringing it into me and turning it into bright light. Then I see Jessie healthy and happy again. ( I learned that simple meditation from Dani. xo)
I love you, Jessie. xoxoxoxoxo
Peace Love Joy
Amy xo
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| Tempie, old man, blind..but well taken care of and loved! xo |
Awww Jessie sounds like a awesome dog hehe! and a wonderful friend, as you are to him. That's so cool you've been visiting each other in your dreams! :)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're regrouping and getting clearer about what you want for yourself, that's exciting! Having the courage to momentarily glance back at how far you haven't yet come (as opposed to how far you've come so far) can be a great way of doing that! Just as long as it's brief and you promptly resume your, now more clear course. Remember you already ARE your goal, inside, regardless of the manifestations. You decide who you are, not the manifestations. So know who you are already, your "goal", and express it and be that you. You don't need permission from manifestations for that :) The manifestations will catch up to you :)
hehe I recently cleaned up some of my messes around me, too, and you're right Amy! It has made a HUGE difference!! I feel lighter, clearer, more ready. Things feel easier. I kept telling myself before, that I didn't have time to do stuff like that. But when I made it who I am, neat and organized, and expressed that me... haha I didn't have time NOT to do it! I have SO MUCH MORE time now!!! Weird, huh!? :P
Like Patrick said, Jessie sounds like a very special dog. I'm an animal-lover like you and it's hard seeing how others care for their animals when we know the extent we go for ours. Have you ever thought of writing to your friend and sharing your concerns with him? I know from experience you have to get yourself well first before trying to care for those around you.
ReplyDeleteIt's heartbreaking to watch a friend or loved one deal with alcoholism. I have had to confront a few people in my life with a problem but ultimately they need to realize it for themselves. I guess for me it made me feel better that I said something and not kept my feelings inside. That's just the way I roll.
As far as clearing out the clutter, I'm with you sister! I feel uneasy and frazzled when things are a mess. We go in cleaning frenzies and straighten up but we still have to tackle our storage space in attic and basement. It's too hot to be in an attic so that will have to wait until the fall.
I'm so happy you're surrounding yourself with positive energy and love. You are a beautiful person and have fun on your journey to a new and improved Amy! ♥